If I could etymize (if it's not a word, I'm making it one. Meaning exclusively to put into written words, as opposed to verbalize which might include oral or written communication using words) a huge sigh better than *big sigh* I would. And that's today.
I called my sisters today. Kara explicitly asked me to so that's what inspired that. I found myself rather unable to effectively counsel them on their various issues. I'm supposed to be a counselor according to this MBTI bologna, but I don't appear to be very good at it. I might not be incessantly apologizing but I'm certainly not being what I would call confident around them. I'd really like to be. So I guess that goes on the prayer list. I don't guess I actually. I know, thank you very much. I'm definitely not killing it as an older brother.
I've spent a bit more time thinking on Aaron and how awesome he is, and it makes me wonder if Jesus would be sarcastic at all. If a good christian is sarcastic. There was a conflict at YWAM in Salem during our missions trip their over everyone in our group being sarcastic people. That wasn't kosher with the staff there. At least when facing the world, I don't think it's very loving to be sarcastic, but rather earnest and interested all the time. Like (I think) I said earlier, Nick immediately noticed Aaron's loving personality. It stood in stark contrast, the more I think about it, to everything around him including me and that's just depressing. I want to be all about love.
Today was in keeping with the theme of the rest of the weekend: lazy. I cleaned the kitchen and watched football after church. shame on me. I do now have to get finish my analysis of this poem. I'll see what I can make up. I talked to Corey, who lead worship this morning and is a productive member of my English class, about our paper. He's confident in himself and excited to work on his own ideas. I said I don't trust my own ideas as far as I can throw them ( and since ideas are intangible things...). I suppose I'll have to learn to appreciate the freedom I'm being given and perhaps even enjoy this assignment. We'll see.
Anyway, today Rob's sermon was on Philippians 2:19-30 (If anyone wants to listen to any of these they're here: http://redeemersouth.org/eat-truth/sermon-series/philippians.php I figured out why my links/embedding wasn't working earlier...I hope). About the examples of Timothy and Epaphroditus as Gospel Servants. The traits that those kind of people have. What they're about. So basically, if you want to exist to make a difference, to leave a Gospel Legacy, you have to not exist for yourself. (You have to not want to exist? Take the paradox out of the want in that sentence...) Your will and God's will have to mold together and then your will has to cease to exist. This is just stinking hard. Obviously. Everything has to be about what God wants. From, little (little?) lifestyle choices to big life decisions like marriage and career. Not my will. God's. Where am I supposed to be. To do this I've got to pray a whole lot more than I do now. It comes up every time at the end of the day, but it's never going to stop being true. I need to pray more. I can't know what anyone wants unless I talk to them. God's not an exception. He's going to give if He's asked. Aren't you God? Yup. But I do have to ask.
Following God's plan is comforting ultimately isn't it though? Not ultimately, even right now. If I just think about it. Everything is going to happen the way my Lord wants it. The God who has already won the battle for the universe. I can't rest assured that his victories will play out if I stand in his way or fight with him. I'm still so anxious about everything though. I shouldn't be. about anything.
A Gospel Servant like Timothy, is totally committed. In every place he's at. Leading or following, and there's a lot of following to be done. More than leading in fact. Something I see all the time in myself and in others is a lack of commitment when we're not the ones in charge. The guy whose calling that shots is the only one who's putting himself all in. Everyone else is just their to look pretty it seems like a lot of the times. Especially in the church. I think, "well, I'm here serving, looking good, giving up my time, I can put as much effort into this as I want. They're not paying me. It's just like...extra credit for life" BOE-LOG-NUH! I need to be 100% sold out to everything I do all the time and even more so in church! Goodness gracious Matt. Come on. Sing those proverbial back-up vocals with perfect flipping pitch. It's absolutely necessary. Follow hard.
Another point Rob made is more addressed toward churches at large. Bart's "majoring on the majors" sermon comes to mind. Church has got to be about Jesus. Rob made reference to how, the nursery at Redeemer might not have the nicest toys for the kids to play with or even enough toys to go around. They haven't invested in blinds for the back windows which (apparently, although I haven't noticed) bake the congregation when the suns out. It's something that would be nice. But 27.5% of the church's giving goes to church planting. (I am under the impression that that is a lot, though I haven't sat in on many financial meetings at any church, whatever the case, it's a percentage they've increased in faith from 20% that is going to reach 30% by the end of the year) Goodness gracious, if I want to be a Gospel Servant I have to live like I am coming out of a barracks on Sundays after church, not a country club. I've got to be a worker and a soldier, like Timothy (hearkening back to the days of the battle cry ATF theme). Who cares if my rear end can take a nap in the chairs or not.
I don't know if I've said this the way I'm going to say it earlier but whatever the case, (I'll say it again if that's is the case) Jesus' love, the Gospel, getting saved, is not something to get at the start of my "christian life" and move on to other bigger deeper things, the Gospel is all. It's not a starting line; what it is, is the center of one of those...penny collecting machines that you put a coin in and it spins around and around and around getting closer and closer to the middle. I'm the penny. circling around that truth. working out that truth. It's what everything is about. What everything comes back to. I'm thankful to have been a part of churches that know this, and to be in one now. I'm hoping me repeating this to myself drives it in further. Praise the One who paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead.
I know I've got communication/relational skills inside of me somewhere. God help them come to light.
My apologies for any perceived disjointedness.
