SO this'll be the first real post I suppose. It's 9 o'clock ish and I'm preparing to put a cork in this Friday (which is capitalized apparently). I just listened to Rob Berreth's sermon on Gospel Humility, taken from Philipians 2:1-11. It has been such a blessing to have landed at Redeemer. (Honestly and openly. I mean. Honestly when I think about it I would have a hard time telling that to someone with a straight face. I just have such a fear of being real with people. It's something to overcome. Something to pray for. It's only going to cause more problems moving into the future.) The Gospel is just pounded into my skull every Sunday and then Wednesday at Gospel Community. I pray that I start to really feel the effects of this. I mean. God's word can't come back void. So often I think I apply that principle just to evangelizing and nonbelievers but how prideful is that! As a Christian I am now only more aware of how terrible I am. Of how unworthy I am. Of how below Holiness I am. God's word has so much work to do in my life. I need to be reminded incessantly. "Do NOTHING out of selfish ambition or vain conceit" (verse 3). Nothing out of rivalry...everything is about Christ. Everything is about the Gospel.
I recently read an article about how law school graduates aren't finding employment. That pertains to me if you didn't know. I consider myself a sort of pre-law student. It's something I should pray more about, but it's also something I shouldn't worry so much about. I am so concerned with fulfilling these ideals I've got in my head. Of getting into a stable and respectable profession. Of marrying a beautiful woman. Of raising kids and providing for that family. I feel as if I have had all my hopes in these things. I still do. Something I am freshly realizing is...that's not where my hope belongs. If I hold the attainment of those things as the chief goal of my life I am in for such a...catastrophic crash at each of those checkpoints. Those things might be things that God has called into my life. But...I can't expect those to be my source of joy. It comes back to that C.S. lewis line that I can't get enough of (it's terrible how rarely I got back to it then...) "But look for Christ and you will find Him. And with Him everything else thrown in." To Live is CHRIST. Christ is all...He is the only thing that is incapable of disappointing. Incapable of failing. The worldly love of my life that I have fantasized about day in and day out for years is not going to give me lasting joy. She will fail to give me joy. If I seek my fulfillment in romantic love with a woman. I'm in for disappointment.
I am such a welch. Such a. Spineless, yet somehow prideful fool. So screwed up in every way (I regularly find new ways to screw up...). But God loves. yes. And God also calls me to serve. Calls me to make disciples. Calls me to go. Calls me to make his name glorified in all the earth. I wince for all the times I've looked at other peoples posts with similar language as I use now (as inadequate as it is...) and scoffed at them for being...insincere...for judging their intentions. For assuming myself more earnest. When what on earth have I done to show any earnestness in my life? any devotion to my Jesus who loves me? Who am I too judge. Do nothing out of rivalry. Nothing out of vain conceit. God calls the church to be on in spirit and in purpose. Yet I, we, are constantly biting at each other. Look at the cross. Look what He did. Obedient to death. Even on a cross.
Even now I'm thinking about. How awesome it'd be to meet a girl who read this and was attracted to my spiritual awesomeness, or how mature people back home might think I am. I'm a prideful person, pursuing humility by God's grace. Life is nothing without Him.
Jake's visiting his family and Matt's at Fall camp for CCF. I'll likely have a lot of time to myself. If you wanna pray for me, well. I'm sure you could get some of the picture. I've got lustful eyes. I pray that I'd be...purified. That the community around me would encourage me and that I'd be able to encourage those around me. I've got ambitions for my own glory. They need to die. I've got hateful thoughts and a general lack of love for the humanity God created in His image. I have fears. Fears of being open with those close to me and fears of sharing God's love with those who haven't heard. I have an inability to stand for myself and for God's truth when the two intersect. I'm lazy. unmotivated. with no vision for God's kingdom. Pray for me.
Tomorrow is Saturday. I hope it's a good day. I hope much is accomplished. I hope I speak the name of Jesus. With words if necessary.
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