I set my alarm for 6 am today. Then got up and set it for 7. Then 8. Then I just turned it of. I rolled out of bed closer to 9. I shouldn't be requiring 10+ hours of sleep a night should I? I'm going to have to get more disciplined about waking up. But it's Sunday. Day of rest right?
(I'm trying really hard not to drop any eaves while Matt is talking to his girlfriend in the next room. But he's talking about the ballot...so difficult...)
Anyway. I got up and made myself an eggs muffin thing with ham and a slice of the 2 lb (not even sure if that's really big enough to emphasize) brick of pepper-jack cheese I picked up. It was much to my liking.
At around 10:40 I set off for Church. It was quite a walk. I arrived with 6 minutes or so to spare and found a chair that was sufficiently far away from the large crowd of largely unfamiliar faces, yet close enough to not look pathetically lonely, thereby demanding someone to go out of their way to greet me. This was the first time I had been to the 11:30 service where Claude speaks since my first Sunday up here. He does a good job. The room seemed considerably more empty than usual.
The sermon was on Philippians 2: 12-18. The 6th ( I think...) in the "Good Life" series taking us through Paul's letter to the Philippians. It was poignant to my recent musings. Convicting even. (another word I feel almost loathe to use. It's got so much connection to...feeling. Which is something I don't put a lot of stock in, despite my definitive F status according to David Keirsey.)
The biggest thing I took away (and big things were all I could carry in my brain. I hadn't brought a notebook. It was raining.) had to do with the reasons you give people for your different behavior. For your good deed or your lack of less than savory deeds. For your Gospel life. I'd recently been asked (in jest) to attend a party that was a party because of alcohol (kegger I guess is the rather cacophonous colloquialism). What was my reason for not going? Well. Simply because. I don't do that kinda thing. You dig a little deeper? Because it's against the law. Deeper still, for the Bible tells me so. Well that's great. That's true. But. Do people need to know morality? Do they need to know the law? or do they need to know the Gospel? The logic that I would've given had I been probed further is flawed in a couple of ways. It gives credit to me for obeying the rules, and it makes me religious, instead of a disciple, or a son of God. The 'right' answer is that I behave the way I do because Christ came and died on the cross for the world's sins while we were yet sinners, and I live my life in response to that Love. It's not only the right answer theologically but it's also a far better tool for sharing faith. I mean. It presents the Gospel right there. And how true it needs to be. How true I want it to be. That my life is a response to the Gospel. A response to God's love.
"Do everything without grumbling or arguing" (v. 14) That's right! Do it life Jesus. "...continue to work OUT your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" (v. 12-13) Work out your salvation, not for it. "So that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life" (1 v. 15-16). Hold out the word of life. Not the ten commandments or a set of moral principles. That's the answer for the hope that I have.
After Church I made the long walk back. Uphill. I ate a banana and a couple of those salt/sweet peanut butter things. With milk. I'm the healthiest guy on earth right? I then went to chez Trey to watch the Seahawks. It was a pretty miserable game. It never began to be close and. Well the Seahawks lost of course. Janikowski gave me 15 fantasy points though. Trey didn't seem as interested as I'd thought he was. I dunno. Plus he told me he threw away his ballot. He retrieved it for me and I was tempted to fill it out and send it in myself but. That would be wrong wouldn't it? So he threw it away again, even after I gave him an awkward half-hearted speech attempting to bolster up his political efficacy. No luck.
I came home to Matt. He got home from camp I guess pretty much right when I left. And in the meantime he had done the dishes, arranged the living room, and sweeped and vacuumed. He then went on to clean the bathroom after I heartily objected (yet failed to offer to immediately do it myself). I will have to make this up. I cannot have him stealing all the good-deedship. Plus it might stress our friendship on a subconscious level. Or worse. A conscious one.
It's gonna be a busy next couple of days. I have my 261 midterm on Tuesday and a review session for it on Monday. Which means I'll miss out on additional time with Core and possible dodgeball as well. I also have to do my take home midterm for 370. Since it's take home there really isn't an excuse for anything less than...oh...99% right? Or at least that's the way I would feel as an instructor. I'd be a very critical grader if I were her.
Dinner is yet to be had and Drew Brees is stinking it up for me. Luckily Tommy neglected to fill 3 of his roster spots this week, so I am at this point, nearly assured victory. Now that they have played the Vikings I can have no qualms about pulling for Tom Brady to pick up his 4th superbowl ring. I don't know why, but I want him to leave a greater legacy than P Manning and he isn't going to do it in the career record books...maybe it's the hair.
Tomorrow is the start of another week. It's business time. ('Cause I'm down to just my socks [not really]).
matt
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
I'm losing my hair
I don't buy into this whole "grandpa on your mothers side" business. My hair is leaving me. I just know it.
Well as the days keep rolling on by (all two of them) the function of this here blog continues to change. I've now gone out and purposefully made it known to my immediate family. So hi mom.
Today was less than what I'd hoped but more than what I feared. I finished "The Assistant." It wound up losing an awful lot of steam, at least for me, by its ending. It started out in its first half as a quick candidate for my favorite book list (that I don't really have...) with such an amazingly relatable character as Joseph Marti. Ultimately Joseph got to be something quite close to annoying and the themes of ambition and lack there of did not ring true for me. But it was far from what I would call a bad piece of literature. I'll save that label for everything I've read in this 202 class prior to this book. Some of the scenes towards the end of "The Assistant" with Herr Tobler's affairs falling into greater disarray and his resultant anger were spine tingling. Reminding me of how much I hate anger. People who get angry the way Herr Tobler does are people I have a very difficult time having love for (Don't worry, it's none of you parents/sisters of mine.) The kind of person that goes from peachy keen to irate in the twinkling of an eye. Who can be feigning contentedness and then some small hair is out of line (ant they're looking for it) and suddenly the clouds turn black. It just really grinds my gears. I'm not guiltless of the same though. I like to believe I've made great strides though.
Anyway, I spent one to five pm in the library going at a rate of about 45 pages an hour. I started one note-card for my pols 261 midterm review. Facebook is becoming a real kink in my productive machinery. I think I'll have to start a series of prolonged fasts from it.
I'm going through the book I may or may not have accidentally stolen from my grandparents "Sharing Jesus Without Fear" as part of my devotional time (which is rather unstructured at the moment). It's got me pretty darn excited. I mean. Initially I sat on the rather high horse of thinking that something like evangelizing could not be broken down to such an exact science as Bill Faye puts forth but upon further review it's nothing short of awesome. I'm in prayer that I will see opportunities to put into practice what I'm learning. Silence is a sin.
I may or may not be going to Church with Trey J tomorrow. (He is the guy that directs our workouts on Tuesdays and Thursdays). It will be an adventure walking there alone if he decides not to come.
Now that this is not such a private affair between me and computer screen, I suppose I've got to remember not to name names sans permission. It's an interesting line to tread. I really want this to be as honest an account of my life as I can get out of myself, while still managing to not say anything I don't want the world to know, especially in regards to other people.
Lodrick is brushing his teeth. and Gargling. Rather loudly, but I don't mind.
On my walk back from the library I was listening to the Newsboys. Something I haven't done in awhile really (listen to the newsboys). I really like that Devotion song. I'm going to add it to my list of songs that I am going to transcribe (also something that doesn't really exist). I dunno though. I do wonder if it's a good idea for me to have headphones on walking around campus. I feel rather disconnected from the people around me. And that's not good. Not good at all. (This may be because I was listening to that "Headphones" song from Jars of Clay...) I dunno. You never know when some complete stranger might want to strike up a riveting spiritual conversation with me, inexorably drawn towards the most charming of smiles, that I will be less inclined to put on if I'm lost in ipod land.
For dinner tonight I made myself fried sausage and eggs with jam covered toast. It was awesome I must say. Making the sausages a success (at least the way the internet told me too) was a real test of my patience. I am hoping I haven't given myself food poisoning.
Having something substantive to say everyday might become a bit of a challenge I'm realizing. I may need to start carrying a notepad with me on which I can write down some thoughts to develop here.
I had a nice conversation with the members of most of my family today. I'm very pleased to hear that Sara is putting equally yokedness into practice. And Kara, just to balance this out, I read that paper you wrote for Jody's class that was on the computer desk last weekend, and I don't want to hear that you can't construct a fine sentence ever again. That was quite easily way above average.
Tomorrow is Sunday. and Philippians 2: 12-18. I'll most likely be seeing Claude at 11:30 tomorrow, as Trey has not given the 9:30 service much hope.
(well never mind...Trey has informed me he will not be going to Church tomorrow. So it'll be little ol' me making my way down to the Amadeus Project.)
I must find work...
Well as the days keep rolling on by (all two of them) the function of this here blog continues to change. I've now gone out and purposefully made it known to my immediate family. So hi mom.
Today was less than what I'd hoped but more than what I feared. I finished "The Assistant." It wound up losing an awful lot of steam, at least for me, by its ending. It started out in its first half as a quick candidate for my favorite book list (that I don't really have...) with such an amazingly relatable character as Joseph Marti. Ultimately Joseph got to be something quite close to annoying and the themes of ambition and lack there of did not ring true for me. But it was far from what I would call a bad piece of literature. I'll save that label for everything I've read in this 202 class prior to this book. Some of the scenes towards the end of "The Assistant" with Herr Tobler's affairs falling into greater disarray and his resultant anger were spine tingling. Reminding me of how much I hate anger. People who get angry the way Herr Tobler does are people I have a very difficult time having love for (Don't worry, it's none of you parents/sisters of mine.) The kind of person that goes from peachy keen to irate in the twinkling of an eye. Who can be feigning contentedness and then some small hair is out of line (ant they're looking for it) and suddenly the clouds turn black. It just really grinds my gears. I'm not guiltless of the same though. I like to believe I've made great strides though.
Anyway, I spent one to five pm in the library going at a rate of about 45 pages an hour. I started one note-card for my pols 261 midterm review. Facebook is becoming a real kink in my productive machinery. I think I'll have to start a series of prolonged fasts from it.
I'm going through the book I may or may not have accidentally stolen from my grandparents "Sharing Jesus Without Fear" as part of my devotional time (which is rather unstructured at the moment). It's got me pretty darn excited. I mean. Initially I sat on the rather high horse of thinking that something like evangelizing could not be broken down to such an exact science as Bill Faye puts forth but upon further review it's nothing short of awesome. I'm in prayer that I will see opportunities to put into practice what I'm learning. Silence is a sin.
I may or may not be going to Church with Trey J tomorrow. (He is the guy that directs our workouts on Tuesdays and Thursdays). It will be an adventure walking there alone if he decides not to come.
Now that this is not such a private affair between me and computer screen, I suppose I've got to remember not to name names sans permission. It's an interesting line to tread. I really want this to be as honest an account of my life as I can get out of myself, while still managing to not say anything I don't want the world to know, especially in regards to other people.
Lodrick is brushing his teeth. and Gargling. Rather loudly, but I don't mind.
On my walk back from the library I was listening to the Newsboys. Something I haven't done in awhile really (listen to the newsboys). I really like that Devotion song. I'm going to add it to my list of songs that I am going to transcribe (also something that doesn't really exist). I dunno though. I do wonder if it's a good idea for me to have headphones on walking around campus. I feel rather disconnected from the people around me. And that's not good. Not good at all. (This may be because I was listening to that "Headphones" song from Jars of Clay...) I dunno. You never know when some complete stranger might want to strike up a riveting spiritual conversation with me, inexorably drawn towards the most charming of smiles, that I will be less inclined to put on if I'm lost in ipod land.
For dinner tonight I made myself fried sausage and eggs with jam covered toast. It was awesome I must say. Making the sausages a success (at least the way the internet told me too) was a real test of my patience. I am hoping I haven't given myself food poisoning.
Having something substantive to say everyday might become a bit of a challenge I'm realizing. I may need to start carrying a notepad with me on which I can write down some thoughts to develop here.
I had a nice conversation with the members of most of my family today. I'm very pleased to hear that Sara is putting equally yokedness into practice. And Kara, just to balance this out, I read that paper you wrote for Jody's class that was on the computer desk last weekend, and I don't want to hear that you can't construct a fine sentence ever again. That was quite easily way above average.
Tomorrow is Sunday. and Philippians 2: 12-18. I'll most likely be seeing Claude at 11:30 tomorrow, as Trey has not given the 9:30 service much hope.
(well never mind...Trey has informed me he will not be going to Church tomorrow. So it'll be little ol' me making my way down to the Amadeus Project.)
I must find work...
Friday, October 29, 2010
Gospel Humility
SO this'll be the first real post I suppose. It's 9 o'clock ish and I'm preparing to put a cork in this Friday (which is capitalized apparently). I just listened to Rob Berreth's sermon on Gospel Humility, taken from Philipians 2:1-11. It has been such a blessing to have landed at Redeemer. (Honestly and openly. I mean. Honestly when I think about it I would have a hard time telling that to someone with a straight face. I just have such a fear of being real with people. It's something to overcome. Something to pray for. It's only going to cause more problems moving into the future.) The Gospel is just pounded into my skull every Sunday and then Wednesday at Gospel Community. I pray that I start to really feel the effects of this. I mean. God's word can't come back void. So often I think I apply that principle just to evangelizing and nonbelievers but how prideful is that! As a Christian I am now only more aware of how terrible I am. Of how unworthy I am. Of how below Holiness I am. God's word has so much work to do in my life. I need to be reminded incessantly. "Do NOTHING out of selfish ambition or vain conceit" (verse 3). Nothing out of rivalry...everything is about Christ. Everything is about the Gospel.
I recently read an article about how law school graduates aren't finding employment. That pertains to me if you didn't know. I consider myself a sort of pre-law student. It's something I should pray more about, but it's also something I shouldn't worry so much about. I am so concerned with fulfilling these ideals I've got in my head. Of getting into a stable and respectable profession. Of marrying a beautiful woman. Of raising kids and providing for that family. I feel as if I have had all my hopes in these things. I still do. Something I am freshly realizing is...that's not where my hope belongs. If I hold the attainment of those things as the chief goal of my life I am in for such a...catastrophic crash at each of those checkpoints. Those things might be things that God has called into my life. But...I can't expect those to be my source of joy. It comes back to that C.S. lewis line that I can't get enough of (it's terrible how rarely I got back to it then...) "But look for Christ and you will find Him. And with Him everything else thrown in." To Live is CHRIST. Christ is all...He is the only thing that is incapable of disappointing. Incapable of failing. The worldly love of my life that I have fantasized about day in and day out for years is not going to give me lasting joy. She will fail to give me joy. If I seek my fulfillment in romantic love with a woman. I'm in for disappointment.
I am such a welch. Such a. Spineless, yet somehow prideful fool. So screwed up in every way (I regularly find new ways to screw up...). But God loves. yes. And God also calls me to serve. Calls me to make disciples. Calls me to go. Calls me to make his name glorified in all the earth. I wince for all the times I've looked at other peoples posts with similar language as I use now (as inadequate as it is...) and scoffed at them for being...insincere...for judging their intentions. For assuming myself more earnest. When what on earth have I done to show any earnestness in my life? any devotion to my Jesus who loves me? Who am I too judge. Do nothing out of rivalry. Nothing out of vain conceit. God calls the church to be on in spirit and in purpose. Yet I, we, are constantly biting at each other. Look at the cross. Look what He did. Obedient to death. Even on a cross.
Even now I'm thinking about. How awesome it'd be to meet a girl who read this and was attracted to my spiritual awesomeness, or how mature people back home might think I am. I'm a prideful person, pursuing humility by God's grace. Life is nothing without Him.
Jake's visiting his family and Matt's at Fall camp for CCF. I'll likely have a lot of time to myself. If you wanna pray for me, well. I'm sure you could get some of the picture. I've got lustful eyes. I pray that I'd be...purified. That the community around me would encourage me and that I'd be able to encourage those around me. I've got ambitions for my own glory. They need to die. I've got hateful thoughts and a general lack of love for the humanity God created in His image. I have fears. Fears of being open with those close to me and fears of sharing God's love with those who haven't heard. I have an inability to stand for myself and for God's truth when the two intersect. I'm lazy. unmotivated. with no vision for God's kingdom. Pray for me.
Tomorrow is Saturday. I hope it's a good day. I hope much is accomplished. I hope I speak the name of Jesus. With words if necessary.
I recently read an article about how law school graduates aren't finding employment. That pertains to me if you didn't know. I consider myself a sort of pre-law student. It's something I should pray more about, but it's also something I shouldn't worry so much about. I am so concerned with fulfilling these ideals I've got in my head. Of getting into a stable and respectable profession. Of marrying a beautiful woman. Of raising kids and providing for that family. I feel as if I have had all my hopes in these things. I still do. Something I am freshly realizing is...that's not where my hope belongs. If I hold the attainment of those things as the chief goal of my life I am in for such a...catastrophic crash at each of those checkpoints. Those things might be things that God has called into my life. But...I can't expect those to be my source of joy. It comes back to that C.S. lewis line that I can't get enough of (it's terrible how rarely I got back to it then...) "But look for Christ and you will find Him. And with Him everything else thrown in." To Live is CHRIST. Christ is all...He is the only thing that is incapable of disappointing. Incapable of failing. The worldly love of my life that I have fantasized about day in and day out for years is not going to give me lasting joy. She will fail to give me joy. If I seek my fulfillment in romantic love with a woman. I'm in for disappointment.
I am such a welch. Such a. Spineless, yet somehow prideful fool. So screwed up in every way (I regularly find new ways to screw up...). But God loves. yes. And God also calls me to serve. Calls me to make disciples. Calls me to go. Calls me to make his name glorified in all the earth. I wince for all the times I've looked at other peoples posts with similar language as I use now (as inadequate as it is...) and scoffed at them for being...insincere...for judging their intentions. For assuming myself more earnest. When what on earth have I done to show any earnestness in my life? any devotion to my Jesus who loves me? Who am I too judge. Do nothing out of rivalry. Nothing out of vain conceit. God calls the church to be on in spirit and in purpose. Yet I, we, are constantly biting at each other. Look at the cross. Look what He did. Obedient to death. Even on a cross.
Even now I'm thinking about. How awesome it'd be to meet a girl who read this and was attracted to my spiritual awesomeness, or how mature people back home might think I am. I'm a prideful person, pursuing humility by God's grace. Life is nothing without Him.
Jake's visiting his family and Matt's at Fall camp for CCF. I'll likely have a lot of time to myself. If you wanna pray for me, well. I'm sure you could get some of the picture. I've got lustful eyes. I pray that I'd be...purified. That the community around me would encourage me and that I'd be able to encourage those around me. I've got ambitions for my own glory. They need to die. I've got hateful thoughts and a general lack of love for the humanity God created in His image. I have fears. Fears of being open with those close to me and fears of sharing God's love with those who haven't heard. I have an inability to stand for myself and for God's truth when the two intersect. I'm lazy. unmotivated. with no vision for God's kingdom. Pray for me.
Tomorrow is Saturday. I hope it's a good day. I hope much is accomplished. I hope I speak the name of Jesus. With words if necessary.
Don't worry,
I do realize that there are many aspects of this blog that I've set up which already potentially give off an air of extreme pretension. The Frost allusions, the ridiculously emo blog description (drawn from an obscure German novel nonetheless), and even my tone as a "writer" (oh goodness...quotations marks.) all seem a bit...full of my selfish. Well, to heck with all of that. I have come to believe that I have a problem with my self-confidence. With my self-esteem. With my self-everything. I believe that the way I have seen myself, my whole life, is as inferior to most others. Especially strangers. and I don't want to care anymore. So I'm going to be as showy as I want here, because, while I have had problems seeing myself this way, I do indeed know in my heart, that I am at the very least: unique. At the very least I am a human being with thoughts as worthy to be heard as any other man God has created. Beyond that I truly believe that God has given me a degree of passion, and dare I say talent, for expressing myself with the written word. So I will level with you, imaginary reader, (I'm going to tacit imaginary from here on out, but dear reader, I don't presume that it shouldn't be implied for quite awhile, if not forever) this whole ordeal is inherently egocentric, but Paul says in Philippians, "each of you should look not only to your own interests." That verse might not seem especially applicable at first, but the key word for me is only (if you couldn't tell). Paul does not tell us to look only for our own interests, nor only for others. Paul tells us that both are important with the words not only. So I am going to indulge in my "pretensions" (even with quotation marks [and these darn parenthesis...]) in whatever way I see fit here. I am going to be me, unabashedly. It isn't out of a fakeness. If you can take my word for it. It really is me, trying to be me...trying...
I'm not big on proof-reading either. FYI. Verbal defecation all the way.
That being said, I will at least acknowledge that the quote from Rober Walser's "The Assistant" which greets you at the top of this page is not entirely applicable to me. I am aware that I have amazing people in my life who are indeed eager to receive news of me. But it is still a beautiful description of a more broad alienation that I think many are prone to feel, including myself. This literary question, as with so many others, is presented with the greatest of all answers in Christ, however. The peerlessly holy, and loving friend, eager to the point of paradox to commune with a people such as us. It is a most sincere desire that in these posts I should never forget to answer my questions with a trip to the foot of the cross.
Back briefly onto the subject of my ostentation. It is something I am somewhat sure will pass as these posts are increasingly enveloped into my everyday.
I'm not big on proof-reading either. FYI. Verbal defecation all the way.
That being said, I will at least acknowledge that the quote from Rober Walser's "The Assistant" which greets you at the top of this page is not entirely applicable to me. I am aware that I have amazing people in my life who are indeed eager to receive news of me. But it is still a beautiful description of a more broad alienation that I think many are prone to feel, including myself. This literary question, as with so many others, is presented with the greatest of all answers in Christ, however. The peerlessly holy, and loving friend, eager to the point of paradox to commune with a people such as us. It is a most sincere desire that in these posts I should never forget to answer my questions with a trip to the foot of the cross.
Back briefly onto the subject of my ostentation. It is something I am somewhat sure will pass as these posts are increasingly enveloped into my everyday.
Friday, October 29th, 2010
SO once again I'm resolved to keep a log of a few of my thoughts for whatever reason. As always, I hope (and perhaps pray) for more success than all attempts previous.
For the orientation of both myself and any possible future readers, I feel I should provide some information about what "these pages must show." I am on this day a twenty-year-old college student at Western Washington University, in Bellingham, Washington. I am newly transferred from Olympic College in Bremerton; I am experiencing my first months, weeks even, of an at least semi-autonomous life. I expect I will devote a large amount of time here, at least for awhile, reflecting on how this college life is going. I will devote portions, I am sure, to introspection as it relates to myself and the Gospel of Jesus Christ, as I desire to live as Christ-centric life as possible, and to give an accounting for the hope that I have in him. Portions devoted to introspection relative to other people and the harmony or dissonance of my relationships with other souls will likely occur fairly frequently as well. There is also a part of me which will desire to impart some sort of recycled wisdom in what seems to me an original way to any reader who chances upon this record, so rather pretentious, poorly constructed philosophical rants should not come as a surprise.
I anticipate that, should I regularly carry this on, it will be a healthy exercise conducive to maturation of many facets of my life. Pray me luck as I attempt to think deep.
For the orientation of both myself and any possible future readers, I feel I should provide some information about what "these pages must show." I am on this day a twenty-year-old college student at Western Washington University, in Bellingham, Washington. I am newly transferred from Olympic College in Bremerton; I am experiencing my first months, weeks even, of an at least semi-autonomous life. I expect I will devote a large amount of time here, at least for awhile, reflecting on how this college life is going. I will devote portions, I am sure, to introspection as it relates to myself and the Gospel of Jesus Christ, as I desire to live as Christ-centric life as possible, and to give an accounting for the hope that I have in him. Portions devoted to introspection relative to other people and the harmony or dissonance of my relationships with other souls will likely occur fairly frequently as well. There is also a part of me which will desire to impart some sort of recycled wisdom in what seems to me an original way to any reader who chances upon this record, so rather pretentious, poorly constructed philosophical rants should not come as a surprise.
I anticipate that, should I regularly carry this on, it will be a healthy exercise conducive to maturation of many facets of my life. Pray me luck as I attempt to think deep.
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